I can’t continue counseling updates without giving a rather important update of a different nature. My OCPD DH and I had an argument on the way back from the airport recently (June 3) and before our 3rd counseling session (June 5th) which we still attended.
We had been arguing off and on, a lot. We hadn’t even been intimate for over 2 months which is actually unusual for us. Guess you could say things had been tense for a while.
The argument in the car, started what I call a ‘freeze-out’. Many times, my DH gets upset and then needs to shut down. It’s these ‘shut-downs’ that I have found really damaging to our relationship because they go on, far too long. And more importantly, they are mostly because of, IMO, very small ‘offenses’.
Going through this imposed shut down (after not seeing him for 10 days) and mulling over some of the things that our 2nd therapy session brought-up (separate expenses, no true commitment from DH re: our marriage, my having no ‘say’ in making decisions in the house and in our lives in general, being controlled and criticized…) I began to feel the distinct message that it was time to check into my very Soul and ask if this relationship was what I wanted.
The next day, after breakfast, (we were still not talking) I asked him if he was ready to break our silence and try to work it out. He said ok . He started the conversation saying things he always says…. and I’m not going to get into them here. It was extremely disheartening to me because, listening to this ‘broken record’ meant that he had done no ‘work’ on taking personal responsibility and striving to see things differently. It was simple in his mind… I was the problem. I’m not saying I’m sinless, but I know I’m not worthy of the things he was saying.
After tears that came so hard they took my breath away, we decided not to continue the marriage. It felt mutual but in fact, it was more me than him. As our counselor said… ‘His behaviors aren’t a problem to him.’ And to that I add… , “He sees MY behaviors as the problem’.
The next day (June 5th) we went to counseling.