Our second session with our psychologist went as well as the first. Well, actually, it even went better. We started off being asked what issue we’d like to work on. We decided to talk about my not being able to make any decisions in our house. There’s a few more major situations that I feel we need help with, but we agreed that this was a good start.
We were asked to state how this situation made us feel and then the other person would paraphrase what they ‘heard’. We had done this in a ‘Couples Workshop’ that we had joined a few years ago and had even used the technique a few times when discussing a hot topic. So, we began… I told the therapist how my DH had once ‘announced’ that he was going to put hardwood floors in the house. No input from me. ;-( We let the therapist know at this point that the house is his. All expenses and finances are separate. I moved in (2004) and we married in 2010. We have a prenuptial agreement which states that if the marriage doesn’t work out, we go our separate ways with only what we came in with. She asked me to state how I feel when I can’t make any decisions about the house. I said I feel like a child, like a visitor… an outsider and definitely not a partner.
The session went on, as we stated our feelings and then put into our own words, what we heard the other say. I therapist posited that possibly keeping me from making decisions and changing anything in the house, minimizes the changes my DH might have to live with if we break-up. To my surprise he readily agreed with her. Hmmmm I hadn’t thought of it in this light. My DH married me but never really committed to me or to ‘us’. He lives his life as safely as he can, making sure that our marriage doesn’t make him less secure in any way.
Sometimes I wonder how I let myself fall so deeply in love and get so entangled with someone who keeps me at arm’s length; on the periphery of his well-ordered life. Ugh! It’s my second marriage; I’m older; I should have known better. ;-( I truly hope we can make some major strides but I don’t hold out much hope. Maybe a few baby changes at best. I’ll have to ultimately ask myself, ‘Is this enough for me?’ Not sure what the answer will be.